Day 1

I wish I can fool myself that I still like you or love you for that matter.



I know I'm jumping into conclusions again. But I am more afraid for your sake.
I dont' want to disturb the balance that you have long been aiming, struggling and (almost) dying for.

People do things for their sake. Altruism is a disguised form of self centeredness. In my case it is equivalent to guilt.

We both inflicted pain in each other and to ourselves as well. We were miserable. We were masochistic jerks. We were wandering for a commonality in the world and we found each other. We found some relief in that. Then the commonality that bounded us came to haunt us. There comes misery, masochism and chaos. The more we try to mend it the farther we are driven apart. That caused gaps and gaps became silence and silence became misconceptions and misconceptions became what we are

The last gasp of a dying star

Its sad to think that we ended even before we could have started. I know your tired of my ironies, rationalization and analogies but let me say it again, since this time it may be the last. I have my reasons. Some of which I fully intend to tell you and others are better left unsaid. First is that in a relationship (either formally started or mutually decided) both should gain happiness, comfort or improvement for it to flourish. A relationship deprive of those is not worth pursuing. A relationship that does nothing but hurt you and pull you down is not worth continuing or starting no matter how intense your love for each other is. Love is never enough, it is never enough (please remember that). Love is an idea, an emotion, an internal sensation that doesn't solely manifest itself. It is a symptom that necessitates complaints. And that is my second point. Your silence and inactions made me doubt your intentions. Even now things are still unclear for me. As for my third point, in life there is a time when ending becomes the best option. It is to preserve the good things we have before it copletely deteriorates. It is to save ourselves from greater heartaches and chaos. Lastly, I am not telling you this for the purpose of us initiating reforms and reincarnate whatever we had. I am teling this for you to know and (if it is not too much to ask) for you to understand (because those are the only things left). There is no use and chance for "again" because I assure you the moment I decided something is over it really is because we have annihilated the possibilities.

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In convalescence
The open but undelivered letter/apology

Eventually

It's been a long time since we had a talk. I believe there is a great reason why were here. Again.

I thought you don't need me anymore?

I'm not here because I need you.

So why?

I want answers. No I mean I want clarification on things, feelings and living.

I thought you're done asking.

I am but life is not. I am falling apart.

So what’s new about it? It's natural

Its not new I admit but this time I fully intended it.

You want to know why? You just want to be found or perhaps saved like everyone else.

Saved?

We bury ourselves in madness, passion, jealousy and injustice to know life. We search for ideals and philosophies that could free us but at the same time incarcerate us. We slit our arms and let it bleed to feel pain and learn. We self inflict wounds and bare them in public as badges to be found saved and eventually…

The world is an irony.

That's a fact and no one can change that.

That eventuality is absurd. Of all people I never thought I would hear that from you.

Change and irony my friend, two words you should always bear in mind.

I'm tired. What will happen if I’m never found?

My so called life....

I find that life is so absurd...yes I guess I've been one of the disciples of Albert Camus. Life is absurd and why not commit suicide? But then I must have only used this as an escape goat....to save myself the pain and burden of making the most out of my life. I didn't read the whole essay completely and made myself contented with the first few startling statemets. Until recently...something urged me to read further. And so I read....and read again...until i completely grasp its true essence. I figured out that my initial perception on this was wrong. Life is absurd....completely right but then because of this we should bring out the best in life. We shouldn't be satisfied with the absurdity of it nor should we escape it by commiting suicide.

Starting

II am terribly hoping, praying and wishing that it will be a good end.

If someone will ask me right now what I fear the most, I will finally be able to give an answer. Not that I don't have anything to fear before, its just that this time this fear is overflowing in the surface and growing day by day in exponential phase.

I fear REGRET.

I am afraid to look back to my life and find that all those years of hardships, sorrow, desperation, alienation and many more is worth nothing. I am so afraid that the laughter, friendship and victories were all false ones. I am so damn afraid to have never felt love at all and never love at all.

I am afraid that I've become what I FEAR.

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If someone asks me again if there are things that I regret doing, I can immediately answer that I do and you know why? It’s because regret is like death, inevitable. It’s learning things the hardest way. Its knowing life in its most bitter form. Its acceptance of the painful reality even though your system vomits it (every damn minute).

More than that, it’s a challenge to differ. To let not history repeat itself.

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My fear is unresolved no matter how I rationalize its significance.

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My ears is currently glued to Single Ladies.

* Where are you now.

Unloved

There were moments when the "if's" in your life and the other unsatisfied questions of your being just suddenlly fall on you. Like avalanche, it sweeps you with its enourmous impact blacking out all of your rationality and the structures of your identity. This time the comrpromise of ego is no use, it is id's reigning moment and superego's downfall. With nothing you struggle to face all of these one by one, blow by blow.

What did you gain after all those sacrifices?
Pain & pain. Sometimes recognition becomes a consolation but sadly not from the people you wanted.

Are you finally happy?
I'm not. I believe its my destiny and choice not to be. The truth is I don't know how to be happy and I am frquently wandering where it is found.

Why don't you have a significant other?
NEXT PLEASE. Honestly I wantED to. But unfortunately he cannot love me back. Maybe the other one did but he's too draining for me. I am open to possibilties but right now I don't really think it is possible with all the academic commitments that I have. Another thing is that, I'm quite ideal about how things should be and without satisfying that I may be unwilling to enter a relationship.

Do you still even know how to love?
I would honestly admit that I have quite forgotten HOW to love someone else. Maybe its just a phase in life when you get jaded on this specially when it doesn't work out the way you wanted. I'm still clinging to my optimism that someday I will and someone might also (mistakenly and stupidly) fall for me.

What made you like this?
Like what? This is the type of question that doesn't necessarily ends with an answer but rather it attracts more questions to follow. I don't reallt think I'm capable of answering that question right now.

Where are you REALLY going?
OUT THERE. Don't ask me please I'm definitely uncertain about it.